I sat alone in my room trying to write a couple of words

I tried and tried and felt so helpless like a warrior with no swords

My mind has gone blank I wonder why

Is it because of stress or hasn’t my inspiration pass by

It bothers me in a way yet I feel so helpless

I know I can write because I am not that hopeless

Shall I simply give up or give my self some more time

But I believe giving up is a big crime

Maybe a day or two and I’ll get my talent back

Everything happens for a reason, inshaALlah I’ll be back on track

– something i wrote a while back!! i really feel that I dont know how to write anymore :S

I really don’t know when will I get over missing my father, I honestly dont think I ever will. Sometimes I just feel like talking about him , just to feel better and sometimes I feel the urge to cry my heart out. Ever since my father was diagnosed with cancer our life changed. We became much closer to him and I miss those times. Everytime I remember his smile when he saw my daughter puts a smile on my face.  I remember how he would always put my daughters picture on his mobile background. I miss him. I havent visited his grave yet, even though all of my family went. I just want to go there and remind my self that someday I will be in that place too. All alone, in the darkness, surrounded by two angels questioning me… I pray Allah that my dad is peaceful in the grave.. I miss him alot.. miss him more than anything.

It’s been so long since I have written anything, I guess that with two kids I barely have time for myself. Allah has blessed me with a beautiful baby boy that we named “Zayed”, he is now three months old and my baby girl is excited about him Alhamdulillah. It really isnt easy to raise a family, specially with all the fitnah. You try to raise them in a certain way but alot of factors surrounding you affects everything. But i guess that is the challenge , to be able to raise them correctly to obey Allah and to be good to their parents, I just pray Allah to bless my kids and pray Allah gives me strength to raise them properly.

Al Sallam Alaikoum.

As a mother, it’s not easy to find ways to entertain my daughter without music. Most of the toys have music in them, most of the kids cartoons have music and so on. Alhamdulillah, a friend of mine introduced me to an amazing CD for children that teaches them islamic rulings and behavior , at the same time entertain them and makes them laugh. The CD is called Hurray Baba Ali!! it’s really amazing. Their Second season will come out soon too and I’m excited. My daughter loves the CD and i’m happy about that.

Hurray Baba Ali

Eid is approaching and to be honest, I am not excited about it. This will be the first Eid without my father. InshaAllah he is now in a better place and is in peace, yet him not being here changes the whole thing. I remember his smile when he would see all his children and grandchildren, son in laws gather around him in that very special day. now his place would be empty. Yes , I know, no one lives forever. We shall all die, but that doesnt mean I shouldnt be sad about him being gone. Our beloved prophet Sallahu Aliahee Wa Salam was upset when his son Ibrahim passed away. The last few months we spent with dad were different, they were special, it made us closer to him. I just pray Allah that we all meet in Al Jannah.

It’s been a month since my father passed away, it has been the hardest month ever. It seems like he is still with us, as if he is still alive.  I know that he is gone , but because I miss him so much, i still feel that he is here. I feel as if its those weeks where he stays in Tawam hospital for his chemo treatment and will be back the week after. Sometimes, I wish i could call him and tell him that I miss him, wish i could hear his voice , wish i could see his face. but i know that it wont happen. I remember the day he passed away, as if it just happened. I remember when I told him that I will be back tomorrow to see him , and that my husband and daughter will come to see him. Even though alhamdulillah when he passed away, it all was smooth, he kept mentioning Allah and I know that atleast he is now not going through all the pain, but a part of me wishes he was still with us. I love him alot, I miss the way he used to advise me to be good to my husband and his family, how I should not put my husband in debts and how i should take care of my family. I just pray Allah that we meet him in Jannah. It breaks my heart that my father wont be around when I deliver my baby.

اللهم ارحم والدي و اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة

الله لا اعتراض،،

My sister sent me pictures today of Eid around 3 years back, when I saw the picture I had mixed feelings. Happiness surrounded with deep sadness.  In three years of time this all happened, it seemed like just yesterday. In the picture, my father seemed healthy, he was overweight tho but he seemed fine. As I remembered how skinny and tired he is now, I hated the pictures because it reminded me of what my dad is going through.
I always think about this positively, that this sickness has brought us together and made my dad open up to us, since before he was the type that kept everything to himself. Whereas now, we see him almost al of the time and he tells us how he feels. Maybe he has become moody, but I don’t blame him. Battling his disease on his own, knowing that it could either go well or simply fail isnt easy. Specially when the ill person has Children, no matter how old they are. I can see how dad worries about us, how he constantly makes sure that we are fine and that we are happy in our lives.  I also always remind my self that this could be a way to erase a person’s sin. I really love my dad, ever since I grew up, i have  become attached to him more although we have had our differences.
  Not a day goes by without me thinking about my father, how I am far that if anything happens I wouldnt be there on time. I want to be close to him all the time, I want him to know that I care alot and that I am here for him. When I see him, I realize that we should be thankful for our health, that even if we get tired from an illnes it’s nothing compared to his sickness and what he is going through.

Pray for my father,

 May Allah Cure My Father & All Muslims from Their Sickness. Ameen! 

It the past couple of weeks, we have been going fishing. It’s a new thing that we have been doing just to enjoy the lovely weather. At first I hated the idea, me fish?? no way! but once I tried it and caught a fish I got SUPER excited and wanted more We have also been trying to take advantage of this trip to be exposed to the sun since I have severe vitamin D deficiency (like 86% of the UAE population). My little baby has been enjoying the whole thing too, we want to teach her that though we are religious we can still have fun in the Halal way.

This is what we caught MashaAllah. 

I stopped my car in the middle of nowhere and felt the urge to take a deep breath , my mind was blank and i couldnt think of anything. i didnt know where i was or what i wanted. All what i knew is here is where i had to be. I looked  around me and saw myself surrounded by beautiful tree’s, i saw my self being showered under the beautiful sun shine. it felt good. I got out of my car and started breathing, clamly and quitetly. trying to feel every breath go inside and fill my lungs. I felt relaxed. A cold breeze touched my skin and i felt a sudden chill. I have been wanting to come here a long time but couldn’t. i just never seemed to find the right time. I took a walk , heading towards where ever my feet took me to and found myself infront of a huge water fall. i felt like running with maximum speed and jump off the cliff with my arms wide open and go deep into the river and shower myself with the breath taking waterfall. i stood there and gazed at the water, saw the fish swim with joy. This scene made me smile, this place took away my stress, my pain and my fear. I sat there for hours , doing nothing just enjoying the music of the waterfall and humming along with the singing birds.

I look out the window and see little kids playing around, their laughter fills the area with joy and happiness. Yet, i find them enjoying their moments with people other than their parents, people such as their nanny’s and housemaids. So i stop and ask myself, will i be like that? will i let someone else steal away the glorious moments with my kids? will i let someone else replace me as a mom? or is that i am too “over protected” that its not actually a big deal.
I wonder will i be a good mom? will i put my childrens needs infront of my needs? will i be dedicated to them?
Are there moms who never depended on housemaids to help them raise their kids? 
I really cant stop thinking of this issue. Every time i look at my baby, I thank Allah for blessing me with such great gift and then wonder, will i be a good mother?

One day, we look back in time and see the changes we went through., First we were kids, grew up, got our college degree , got married , built a family and life still is going on. We tend to stop for  a second and ask ourselves “what have we achieved in all those years that passed by”. We ask our self , “have we influenced someone positively”, ” have we worked for the hereafter”, “have we done what we were told to as muslims”. We find outselves stuck, having difficulty answering these questions since we have unfortunately devoted our lives to the dunya and neglected the hereafter. When i see how quick time passes and how i have achieved nothing, i realize that nothing is left in time. So i should work now , because if i postpone then i know i shall regret. specially since we cant turn back time. Life will go on and so will our opportunities.

It’s been a while since i have written something in my site, i guess one of the reasons is that im somehow dissapointed in myself. I have let myself down in many ways, that i wonder will i be able to fix what i have done wrong. I realized that i have been very lazy when it comes to working hard to gain more ajir, I have been away from Allah for a while now , a long long time.  I don’t know how to boost my iman. I dont know how to rectify what i have done wrong. I know that it wouldnt take much to compensate what i lost by just trying but i still find myself too lazy to anything. It really upsets me to see how i have become, instead of getting stronger in faith and tryign to work hard to be a good role model for my child, i have deteriorated to the extreme . I need a strong push, a push that would keep me back on track again.

 كل عام و انتم بخير

Eid Mubarak to All…