I really don’t know when will I get over missing my father, I honestly dont think I ever will. Sometimes I just feel like talking about him , just to feel better and sometimes I feel the urge to cry my heart out. Ever since my father was diagnosed with cancer our life changed. We became much closer to him and I miss those times. Everytime I remember his smile when he saw my daughter puts a smile on my face.  I remember how he would always put my daughters picture on his mobile background. I miss him. I havent visited his grave yet, even though all of my family went. I just want to go there and remind my self that someday I will be in that place too. All alone, in the darkness, surrounded by two angels questioning me… I pray Allah that my dad is peaceful in the grave.. I miss him alot.. miss him more than anything.

It’s been so long since I have written anything, I guess that with two kids I barely have time for myself. Allah has blessed me with a beautiful baby boy that we named “Zayed”, he is now three months old and my baby girl is excited about him Alhamdulillah. It really isnt easy to raise a family, specially with all the fitnah. You try to raise them in a certain way but alot of factors surrounding you affects everything. But i guess that is the challenge , to be able to raise them correctly to obey Allah and to be good to their parents, I just pray Allah to bless my kids and pray Allah gives me strength to raise them properly.

Eid is approaching and to be honest, I am not excited about it. This will be the first Eid without my father. InshaAllah he is now in a better place and is in peace, yet him not being here changes the whole thing. I remember his smile when he would see all his children and grandchildren, son in laws gather around him in that very special day. now his place would be empty. Yes , I know, no one lives forever. We shall all die, but that doesnt mean I shouldnt be sad about him being gone. Our beloved prophet Sallahu Aliahee Wa Salam was upset when his son Ibrahim passed away. The last few months we spent with dad were different, they were special, it made us closer to him. I just pray Allah that we all meet in Al Jannah.

It’s been a month since my father passed away, it has been the hardest month ever. It seems like he is still with us, as if he is still alive.  I know that he is gone , but because I miss him so much, i still feel that he is here. I feel as if its those weeks where he stays in Tawam hospital for his chemo treatment and will be back the week after. Sometimes, I wish i could call him and tell him that I miss him, wish i could hear his voice , wish i could see his face. but i know that it wont happen. I remember the day he passed away, as if it just happened. I remember when I told him that I will be back tomorrow to see him , and that my husband and daughter will come to see him. Even though alhamdulillah when he passed away, it all was smooth, he kept mentioning Allah and I know that atleast he is now not going through all the pain, but a part of me wishes he was still with us. I love him alot, I miss the way he used to advise me to be good to my husband and his family, how I should not put my husband in debts and how i should take care of my family. I just pray Allah that we meet him in Jannah. It breaks my heart that my father wont be around when I deliver my baby.

اللهم ارحم والدي و اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة

الله لا اعتراض،،

My sister sent me pictures today of Eid around 3 years back, when I saw the picture I had mixed feelings. Happiness surrounded with deep sadness.  In three years of time this all happened, it seemed like just yesterday. In the picture, my father seemed healthy, he was overweight tho but he seemed fine. As I remembered how skinny and tired he is now, I hated the pictures because it reminded me of what my dad is going through.
I always think about this positively, that this sickness has brought us together and made my dad open up to us, since before he was the type that kept everything to himself. Whereas now, we see him almost al of the time and he tells us how he feels. Maybe he has become moody, but I don’t blame him. Battling his disease on his own, knowing that it could either go well or simply fail isnt easy. Specially when the ill person has Children, no matter how old they are. I can see how dad worries about us, how he constantly makes sure that we are fine and that we are happy in our lives.  I also always remind my self that this could be a way to erase a person’s sin. I really love my dad, ever since I grew up, i have  become attached to him more although we have had our differences.
  Not a day goes by without me thinking about my father, how I am far that if anything happens I wouldnt be there on time. I want to be close to him all the time, I want him to know that I care alot and that I am here for him. When I see him, I realize that we should be thankful for our health, that even if we get tired from an illnes it’s nothing compared to his sickness and what he is going through.

Pray for my father,

 May Allah Cure My Father & All Muslims from Their Sickness. Ameen! 

It the past couple of weeks, we have been going fishing. It’s a new thing that we have been doing just to enjoy the lovely weather. At first I hated the idea, me fish?? no way! but once I tried it and caught a fish I got SUPER excited and wanted more We have also been trying to take advantage of this trip to be exposed to the sun since I have severe vitamin D deficiency (like 86% of the UAE population). My little baby has been enjoying the whole thing too, we want to teach her that though we are religious we can still have fun in the Halal way.

This is what we caught MashaAllah. 

I stopped my car in the middle of nowhere and felt the urge to take a deep breath , my mind was blank and i couldnt think of anything. i didnt know where i was or what i wanted. All what i knew is here is where i had to be. I looked  around me and saw myself surrounded by beautiful tree’s, i saw my self being showered under the beautiful sun shine. it felt good. I got out of my car and started breathing, clamly and quitetly. trying to feel every breath go inside and fill my lungs. I felt relaxed. A cold breeze touched my skin and i felt a sudden chill. I have been wanting to come here a long time but couldn’t. i just never seemed to find the right time. I took a walk , heading towards where ever my feet took me to and found myself infront of a huge water fall. i felt like running with maximum speed and jump off the cliff with my arms wide open and go deep into the river and shower myself with the breath taking waterfall. i stood there and gazed at the water, saw the fish swim with joy. This scene made me smile, this place took away my stress, my pain and my fear. I sat there for hours , doing nothing just enjoying the music of the waterfall and humming along with the singing birds.

It’s been a while since i have written something in my site, i guess one of the reasons is that im somehow dissapointed in myself. I have let myself down in many ways, that i wonder will i be able to fix what i have done wrong. I realized that i have been very lazy when it comes to working hard to gain more ajir, I have been away from Allah for a while now , a long long time.  I don’t know how to boost my iman. I dont know how to rectify what i have done wrong. I know that it wouldnt take much to compensate what i lost by just trying but i still find myself too lazy to anything. It really upsets me to see how i have become, instead of getting stronger in faith and tryign to work hard to be a good role model for my child, i have deteriorated to the extreme . I need a strong push, a push that would keep me back on track again.

Being a mom isn’t an easy task, it’s a 24 on call duty. Even though it is exhausting but it’s a beautiful experience. We learn alot from this experience. We learn how to be patient and calm during the pain in labor, we learn how to be patient and calm when we have sleepless nights and we learn how we should be thankful to Allah for blessing us with this beautiful gift. Alhamdulillah. We become more responsible in our lives, because someone has entered this world depending on us. We find ourselves so attached to the little baby,worrying that something or someone might harm them. We worry because we see how vulnerable and innocent the little baby is. We should be reminded by our children how blessed we are for having this gift, we should be thankful to Allah…

اللهم لك الحمد كما ينبغي لجلال وجهك و عظيم سلطانك

اللهم باركلي في ابنتي و اجعلها من الصالحات

The hardest thing to go through in life, is when you are obliged to say goodbye to the one’s you love. Even if the good bye isnt forever, but still just by saying it you find yourself drowned by your tears and surrounded by sadness. You start realizing that a crucial part in you shall vanish or shall drift away from you after holding on to it very tightly. But when you come to think of it again, you ask yourself “what about those who leave their loved one’s to battle for islam?” or “those innocent people who have been killed and their families were forced to say good bye to them?”
how do you expect them to feel when they say good bye?
Many people tell you that you should be strong, yet you find yourself no matter how strong you try to be a tiny part in your heart remains vulnerable then this tiny part overpowers your heart and you find yourself fully weak.
Although not all goodbye’s mean death, or a negative separation. Some good bye’s could mean “see you next weekend” or “see you after the vacation”. However because of how close a person is to you, you refuse to give them up and let fate join you back again.

This is just a reminder to us all, that someday sometime we may lose a close person either voluntary or involuntary so we should seize every moment we spend with them..

 May Allah forgive all Muslims

I will be away for sometime..
Maybe weeks or months..
Only Allah himself knows til when..

Don’t forget me in your Dua’a Please

Birdie shed a tear and looked around her, looking at the people who have lost hope. She felt their pain and sorrow through their eyes, but she knew that If only they believed strongly that hope still existed then they wouldn’t be as sad as they are right now. Birdie walked like a lost child, wandering, not knowing where she was heading to. Everywhere she went she found a person crying, cursing hope and trying to stop themselves from dreaming. Birdie felt sad, so lost and so confused. Why are people so pessimistic? Why can’t they be optimistic about life? Why can’t they just let time tell? 

As birdie walked quietly, between the crowds, she found a women holding onto something with her eyes closed so tightly. It was a weird moment.
Birdie moved closer to her and bent down, she kept looking at the woman, trying to figure out what she was focusing her mind on. She touched the woman so gently, the woman opened her eyes and looked at birdie and smiled so calmly. Birdie, out of a sudden, felt so secure, so ease inside and so calm. The woman’s eyes were glowing with happiness, joy and h hope. 

Birdie and the lady just stared at each other for minutes, then the lady whispered “go.. You don’t belong here” Birdie didn’t want to let go of the woman’s hand. But she had to because the woman kept on repeating so gently “just go.. Hope is waiting” Birdie got up and walked away slowly, Then turned back to look at the woman because her existence there was so inevitable. As the time birdie turned to look at her, the last was gone, simply not there. Birdie smiled then shrugged and went on to the path that the woman had told her to take. The lady was like a beautiful diamond lost in a huge sea.  As birdie kept walking, people around her kept looking at her strangely. Birdie paid them no attention and went on. She head people around her shout “there’s no hope! Give up!” Bride smiled sarcastically and continued walking. She believed deep down that hope is just one step away. She knew that her dreams will all come true; it is all just a matter of time. Life is like a battle field, in order to live, you should be able to compete and that was what birdie was doing.  She learnt the art of war in order to fight people who try to let her lost hope. She knew that now nothing could stop her from fulfilling her dreams. She believed strongly that her Creator – Allah- would make her dreams come true, she only has to believe it more and more and hopefully her dreams will get fulfilled. Written on : 27/11/2005

In life, it is very normal for us to be in situations where different emotions arise. At times, you find yourself very mad at a close friend, upset from a family member or jealous from a stranger. Most emotions are uncontrollable. Emotions are found within every living thing, its inevitable.

However, not all people can express their feelings properly or decently.

Some people can tell the person who upsets them, that they hurt their feelings but sometimes people just lock things in their heart and expect time to heal it.

It is difficult to tell a person whom you care about that they have hurt you, or that they have broken your heart specially when that person is very close to you. You fear that you may hurt their feelings or just make things worse so you sit quietly and act as if nothing happened. Unfortunately, locking things in you isn’t the right solution, because you become more vulnerable by time and a time will come when you will simply collapse. Building up these feelings would not lead to a happy ending, but may destroy and harm you physically and psychologically.

Sometimes you would wish that there was some kind of an invention that would tell the person who hurt you how you feel exactly and tell them how deeply hurt you are, because you know that when you get the courage to express your feelings you simply mess up and make things worse.

Locking up your feelings may at times be good, but not always.

Unfortunately, In the long run it has a lot of consequences.