The girl stood right in front of me, staring at me in a way that gave me the chills. She looked at me as if she had many things to tell me..
Many secrets that she wants to reveal to me.. 

I looked at her with deep sorrow and asked “what’s going on, why is this happening to me?” 

She simply glared back without any response.. 

How stupid of me, how would she reply back when she is unable to talk..
I looked at her and moments later, I starting shedding tears.. Tears of pain, regret and confusion.. Why? Just tell me why.. 

I wiped my tears away and looked back at my reflection in the mirror and said quietly “Who are you? Where’s candle of hope, whom I have know very well” 

I walked away from the mirror, wishing so deeply that my reflection could give me an answer.. 

It has been a month now since I have been like this.. 

Away from Allah, away from my Islam, away from the true meaning of being a “Muslim” 

I no longer have the will to do good deeds.. At all..
My intentions have changed 180 degree’s.. 

Who am I? 

Where is the Muslimah in me? 

I went back and looked at my reflection and asked “Will this phase ever go away?” 

The eleven year old girl came up to me, and looked me in the eye..
How lovely her eyes were, but how much agony it carried..
 She had a lovely face, cute dimples and I was told that she had the most beautiful smile.. Yet I have never seen her smile, not even once..

I have been working in the orphanage for around 5 years now, and I have never seen the little girl smile.. NEVER.. I have always wondered why?
All what I knew about that girl was that she lived an abysmal life.
 

I always knew that her eyes carried a sad story, yet her eyes never spoke and neither did she..I held the girl into my arms and started to hug her with love and tender.. Yet I knew that no matter what I do, I would never be able to substitute the love of her parents,,
:: story from my imagination ::

At times when i get furious at my little sister and yell at her my heart starts to ache, because watching my sister “shed a tear” is so painful..
I then feel that i’m a “MONSTER“,  SO i go to her and start hugging her and apologize , even though she was wrong..

The fact hidden behind mentioning this story is to show you the comparison between two things..  

My little sister, has a haven, a family, love, tender and care.. but still when she “sheds a tear” i cant bare looking at her without feeling such pain in my heart.. and i oblige my self to be there for her and give her love and care…

But what about those poor orphans out there in Nigeria, pakistan, Palestine, Iraq…etc
children who are poor, lost, confused, paralyzed in thoughts, scared..
children who have no haven , no mother or no father, no education..
who will be there for them when they “SHED A TEAR”

aaah… just thinking about this thing brings so much agony..i thought of ways to stop an orphan child from shedding a tear but found my self surrounded by dead ends..i tried thinking  and thinking so hard to find a single way just to bring happiness to such children..

children will still remain children, no matter in which region they are in..  So people around the world why wait to hear the “cries” of an orphan child when you can stop them from “shedding those innocent tears..”

  why dont you and you family members, friends, husband, wife and children collect money and take it to any  association and try to wipe an orphan child’s tear by giving them some money..

 I’m sure that Allah will give you something you always wished for in return..

‏قال رسول الله ‏ ‏صلى الله عليه وسلم :‏ “‏أنا وكافل اليتيم في الجنة كهاتين وأشار بأصبعيه ‏ ‏يعني السبابة والوسطى” ‏
‏قال ‏ ‏أبو عيسى ‏ ‏هذا ‏ ‏حديث حسن صحيح

Plz Lsn To This English Song: zain bhikha – orphan child (Save Target As)

It was raining that day..
I stood by my window just staring .. I found people running hastily trying to find a shelter so that they wouldnt get wet..
i found people carrying umbrella’s preventing the rain drops from ruining their clothes,,
i found children running under the rain , jumping around from happiness..  but then… 
a flash came into my mind,,
======
A flash of the children in Africa that have no shelter, no home, no haven and no umbrella..
children who sleep under the rain and tend to get pneumonia and other infectious diseases because they have no decent place to stay in.. children who barely cover themselves by pieces of torn cloth.. Children who have no one to care about them.
just visualizing the children in Africa brings so much pain into my heart, it’s so emotional to see children suffering. If we as adults can not tolerate some simple diseases, then what about the children that suffer from even more severe infectious and chronic diseases. 

Alhamdulillah..
All Thanks to Allah..  for we have food, shelter and warm clothes..
but what do they have?
simply nothing.. it hurts me to see such things.. it hurts, as a muslim, to see a child half naked, wandering around looking for something to eat.. or a child lying on bed because he is too sick to play with the other children..
it hurts me alot.. 
A question then popped into my head.
where are we from these children?
why do you sit down and do nothing when we are capable of putting a smile on their little innocent faces.. Why should we fully fill our stomach when we can feed an extremely hungry child. Why cant we donate some money in order to help the doctors medicate the extremely sick children.
The questions seem to never stop.

You see your friend and spend great time with her..  Remembering the great moments together and bring back your happy memories of the school days..
and then you look at her and say mashaAllah.. what a great person is she..  then you start wishing that you were a bit like her..

STOP!!

Never wish to be like someone else because you don’t know how they are from the inside..

Why? Ok I will go on with my little story..

Once you leave your friends house while she waves at you good bye with a HUGE smile, things then start to change., your friend is no longer the same person..

She picks up the phone calls her other friend and starts back biting you..

What went wrong?

She revealed the real her..
All what she did when you were there was hide behind a mask.. trying to show you how a sweet person she is when deep down inside .. she is not as she seems..

I don’t understand why people do that?

What do they gain out of it other than NOTHING!

I am not generalizing but I’m just trying to let those who hide behind their masks to know that not all people fall for their game..

Hiding behind a mask shows us that the person has very weak faith in Allah..
because if that person was a true Muslim he/she wouldn’t need  a mask to hide behind..
instead would be sweet and kind from the inner and outer side ..

I realized lately that my love for the dunya is more than my life for the hereafter..

A friend of mine called me a while ago and talked to me about things that made me realize how lame I am for loving life when I should love ALlah and our beloved prophet sALlaho Alaihe wa salam..

I don’t want the day of judgement to come when I stand infront of ALlah – the Most Merciful – with my scale very light.. because I cared more about the dunya then then hereafter..

I sometimes wonder, why do people cry when they listen to the Quran when My heart is as hard as a stone?
Or how come when I Listen to a lecture the next minute i forget what i have heard?
or why When it comes to friends and family I’m the first to love them but when it comes to ALlah and our beloved prophet I’m somehow in the middle row..
subhanALlah..

I sometimes wish I could have strong Iman..

subhanALlah,  if i go back three year ago.. I wouldn’t have thought in this way..
instead I would think.. how would I go to the cinema with my so-called friends..
I didn’t care about praying my prayers..
I didn’t care about anything but Dunya..

now , I care about dunya less.. but still..
I know that my heart is attached to the dunya more than Allah..

May ALlah forgive all muslims..

SubhanALlah, it is such a great gift that Allah has blessed us with.
The gift of giving birth.. subhanAllah..
The beauty in it..
Even though I have never experienced it, but I know that it has a great feeling..Some woman have this gift yet they do not appreciate it, you find her children are being raised by the housemaid, or are on the streets all day or even neglected by their parents..
While a woman who hasn’t been blessed by this gift cares so deeply about the children of other woman.. subhanAllah..

When I saw my little nephews, I asked my self “will I ever be a mom”
I kept looking at the beautiful angels thinking..
SubhanAllah, what a great blessing from Allah.. Just thinking about the idea of being a mom brings so much excitement in my heart..
Even though I know it means alot of responsibility.. But believe me..
If you were good to your parents, Allah will let your children be good to you..Sometimes I wonder, would I be a good mother?

Would I give my kids enough love?
Would I raise my children properly..?
At times I would doubt that, but at times I come to realize that there is enough love in my heart that could be given to my children..
For it is a great blessing to have them.. May Allah bless all of the married Muslim sisters with children with full Faith in their hearts. 

Sometimes, when two people fight you suddenly find your self in the middle of the fight..
Who let you interfere?
The answer is simple, the two people..
From shock and the sudden interference you would find yourself speechless and out of reactions..
You would just stand still, eyes wide open and instead of hearing the common words that come out of their mouth, you would simply hear GIBBERISH, nothing but gibberish..
And the worst part is when each one of them would ask you for your opinion and tells you to judge the whole scene but you just can’t answer because you wouldn’t be able to handle hurting one of them..
Even though the truth should be spoken..
But you would feel as if you have swallowed sharp rose stems.. I am really against Fights, specially when it comes to parents..
Both spouses should take in consideration that their fight, tone, hatred for each other would affect their child negatively..
Having a huge fight would never lead to anything, a nice conversation would lead to several solutions.. 

I believe that people should not involve others in their arguments unless they are trying to reach a solution and keep failing that, but proving who’s right and who’s wrong may not always be the best solution.

A week ago, when I was at the hospital, something caught my attention..
I was somehow bothered yet happy..
While I was waiting for my turn, a women that was either Russian, German or Swedish, was sitting beside me wearing sheilah and aba. Her hair was yellowish, she had make up on and she wore a RAINBOW aba.. Moments later a local man comes to her and keeps talking to her and says to the little young girl beside her “yalla baba banseer”

I was stunned.. A local man married to a Non local woman??!!

hmMmm.. Well it is good that the man got married and chose to settle in his life rather than play around and make sins.. But still.. Why not marry an Arab Muslim girl?

I couldn’t stop thinking about it..
I’m neither against it nor with it, but we have alot of single women that have exceeded the age of marriage.. Why doesn’t a man marry a girl from his country.. Why should he marry a foreign woman..
I mean I seriously need a good EXPLANATION!

If Arab men keep on marrying non-Arabs.. Then what about the Arabian women..
Arabian women aren’t allowed to marry foreign men.. So what then?
They should all be single!?

That’s why I somehow got bothered.. Because women here aren’t allowed to marry foreign people.. And men marry foreign women.. What will happen to the single women in UAE?
Unfortunately, the Muslim societies are now like the European society..
Have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and you guarantee your future!
Why allow this concept when we can stop it?! 

No words can describe what I am going through now…
now matter how much I try to choose the perfect words, but words don’t reflect our feelings 100%..
Words are only made up simple letters… and not emotions..
I can’t tolerate the pain in my heart.. I really can’t..
I’m so hurt… hurt by the person I care for…

Lsn To This : Sometimes

forgive but NOT forget! 

I dont know why i keep things locked up in my heart..
i mean… when people make mistakes.. i tend to forgive.. but believe me.. i can never forget what they did to me, even if it was not on purpose..
i know there’s a contradiction in what i’m saying.. cos how can someone forgive but not forget!..
but its something that i cant control..
i mean.. its like a “wound that stops bleeding for a while then tends to bleed again”..  i may get over what they did for a while.. but once they hurt me again the scar tends to freshen up..
yes.. i know that Islam has asked us to forgive… i try my best to oblige myself to forgive and forget but.. i keep failing myself..  

at times, i tell myself.. maybe i tend to forgive and not forget..  because when they hurt me at the beginning i bottle the sadness and anger in me… and then by time the sadness and anger become like words engraved on a stone.. in other words.. they cant be erased..i really dont know how to change this flaw in me..
but i hope that i can someday get rid of it completely.. 

your son or daughter may ask you one day “mom, dad.. what do you fear the most?”
what would your answer be..?
i mean.. **if we take it from the non religious perspective**  
i know from now what my answer would be..
i would simply say “SHARKS”!

just the thought of the “existance of sharks” terrifies me.. it gives me this weird tingly feeling..
i remember when we went to Australia, Gold Coast to be more specific.. we went to this aquarium place..
we were in some kind of a tunnel and we were surrounded by all types of fish..
i cant forget how i reacted when i saw the SHARKS above me swimming.. and giving me their deadly look.. ahhhh…. i felt my heart sink deeply into my tip toes!.. i was just praying that the aquarium wouldnt break!..it was such a horrible experience..

at times, my best friend would tease me and tell me.. how can you fear something that isnt on land **cos sharks are in the sea**.. well… i know the fact that sharks cant walk.. which means im in PEACE.. but the idea of them being alive.. kills me..

That’s why i SO REFUSE to go on sea trips..
another experience with my FEAR:  
in gold coast.. we went on a simple sea trip.. OMG!,.. my face turned.. purple, blue , green or you can simply say the “rainbow colors” oh and also it turned EXTREMELY pale for seconds..
the only place my eyes were locked on in the whole trip was the “sea“.. i was looking deeply into the sea.. trying to gaze deeply and focus incase a shark popped out and planned to pass by and say “hello”..
i was so scared… i started having these negative thoughts.. about drowning.. seeing sharks gather around me!! aaahhh… sharks just IRRITATE ME!

so there!..this is my story about what i fear the most..
so now.. it’s your turn…

tell me  “What Do You  Fear THe Most?” 

I feel so lost, so hurt, so confused.. i dont know whether i should cry or shout.. i dont know what to do.. every path  i take seem to lead me to nowhere.. every breath i take doesnt enrich my body with oxygen.. shall i cry? or shall i allow myself to be defeated by sadness?
shall i stand still or put up the white flag ?

do you know how it feels to be totally lost ?
do you know how it feels to be stabbed in the heart?
do you know how it feels to be all locked inside?
do you know how it feels to want something so badly but not get it..

it hurts alot.. this pain has  put some scars on my heart..
scars that will never be healed.. scars that will only bring more agony to me..

i have tried several times to hold back my pain and tears.. but at times,
i can no longer handle the pain in my heart and start to shed tears of pain.. one tear following the other..
Tears that seem to be burning my cheecks from the heat of sorrow..

ahhh.. my wound and pain are so deep..

I feel so lost, so confused, so hurt..

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

That’s why now i tend to pray and ask ALlah to ease my pain.. because there is no healer other than ALlah.. and that’s why i now tend to read the “holy Quran” to know that “patience” is the best thing a person can have when he is feeling so lost, so confused and so hurt..

إِنَّمَا أَشْكُو بَثِّي وَحُزْنِي إِلَى اللّهِ – يوسف : 86

وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ – البقرة : 186